"But a small moment"... even if it does seem like an eternity

(Sorry this is a long post but remember this is my journal and sometimes the best way I get through things is by writing it out.)

It seems as if my hands are the only part of me that object to being in Utah. My hands in particular seem to notice the difference between where I grew up in Oregon and where I now call home in Utah. I only have to be in Oregon for a few hours and my hands bask in the moisture in the air and begin to be soft and smooth but hours after I arrive in Utah especially in the winter they turn into sandpaper. It seems not to be to much of a problem in the summer but the winters are harsh especially since I've become a mom and do so many things that tax the skin on my hands (diapers, dishes, diapers, dishes and washing my hands a million times a day with all the messy things little ones seem to get into and get on you, oh and did I mention diapers and dishes?) I've always felt that was the price I was willing to pay because I love living here so much however, I feel as though my faith is being tested...

Like I said, since I've had Jaden my hands have seemed to get particularly worse, my doctor calls it "Mommy Excema hands." But these past 6 months it has seemed like it couldn't get much worse. Everyone has had there recommendations and it seems like I've tried them all. The doctors prescribed me steroid cream which only made it worse then oral steroids until finally my father recommended his Dermatologist who gave me a Steroid Shot which felt as if it was a Heaven Sent Miracle! But he told me I'm not allowed to do dishes in the winter even with gloves even non latex ones which may seem like a Heaven Sent miracle to some moms but to me it means the burden falls on my husband who has gladly taken over but he already has enough on his plate. But, I've found ways to improvise like using paper plates as much as possible and staying with the same glass all day and such... Well the shot cleared up most of the problem but there was still a little bit of the problem left which seemed fixable so I went in for a procedure to take care of the last of it and it backfired on me.

My mom came to help with Jaden once I had the procedure done because I couldn't use my hands very well. Now my left hand is almost healed but my right hand is another story. You could pretty much tell right away it wasn't healing up right but I e-mailed the doctors my questions and they just told me to give it the full seven days. Well on the eve of the fifth it was very hard not to admit something was definately wrong. So I made an appointment first thing in the morning and I think I excited the whole family practice office with my medical mystery! It seemed to be the highlight of my nurses day they even brought the medical students in too. I was glad someone else could enjoy it, medical people crack me up how excited they get over things that make the rest of us nauseated. Now what was supposed to take a week is going to take 3 to 4 weeks! The back of my right hand is pretty messed up and I'm now on an oral antibiotic because of infection. It's also affected my fingers on my right hand, I can move my fingers enough to tap the keys on the keyboard but not much futher than that and any time I try to separate my index finger and my middle finger my index finger starts to shake pretty bad and all my fingers are swollen.

All I kept thinking, actually screaming inside while they were working on my hand w/out pain killers was that this kind of stuff SHOULDN'T HAPPEN TO GIRLS! I mean not that it should happen to guys but they are just always better at handling this kind of stuff! I mean couldn't we just have an exception? I mean isn't going through childbirth and sleepless nights and child raising several times over in our lifetime enough? You know, you don't really realize how much your hands are apart of your femininity but they really are, all I know is after everything is said and done with all this I'm getting my nails done, a pedicure, my hair done and anything else that helps me feel like a girl should again and my sweet husband has told me I can do what ever I would like (espeacially since we got a good tax return:). My husband has been great he has changed Jaden's diapers and made him meals and cleaned the house and helped me change bandages especially since it makes me want to pass out. My mom has gone above and beyond the call of duty but I feel awful because there is only so much they can do. My mom is compassionate service leader in her ward and thats almost like a full time job and Mark has got work and tons of homework. Then ofcourse putting up with me which I feel terrible about because I've been getting a little grouchy with my frustrations at being able to not do as much for myself and for Jaden as I would like to and the whole circumstance in general.

It's so hard not being able to fully take care of your main responsibility, being a mom, and Jaden has been completely thrown off his schedule and to many who witnessed at church our sweet little boy is becoming a little unglued.

I was thinking about all this tonight while listening to a CD when one of my favorite songs 100 years came on. It reminded me of the DVD I made for our family reunion celebrating that my grandparents would have been 100 years this past year. I thought about all that my grandparents had been through especially my grandmother's last few years which were spent in a nursing home where she couldn't do anything for herself and how challenging that must have been but she handled it with such grace. Then I remembered the blessing my husband gave me at the beginning of this whole ordeal where I was blessed that this would be but a small moment. It reminded me to just be happy in the moment and to be grateful for what I have and all that I've been blessed with. Sister Hinckley says "there are two ways you can get through this life, either you can cry your way through it or you can laugh your way through it. But I perfer the latter, crying gives me a headache." I wish that I could remember that more often in the moment like when Jaden was first born, I would have worried a lot less and enjoyed a lot more but I'm sure most mom's feel that way. All in all I'm learning that even if it does seem like an eternity it really is only a small moment and to endure it well because this too shall pass and french nails, and a haircut and highlight is just around the corner :) But the best of all if we do endure these things well God has promised us so many wonderful things and I don't want to miss out.